I have been a stay-at-home mom since E was born almost 21 months ago, so you’d think I’d be used to it by now. You’d think surely we have fallen into some sort of routine and being home with her is just “what we do.”
But the truth is, I have struggled every single day. Every single day since day 1, I have doubted if this is what I should be doing. I wrote a post about this more than a year ago that explains some of the things I struggled with in the beginning. Many of those things were resolved or at least settled in my mind, but the road has not been easy.
I always thought I would eventually get used to it or that it would get easier. Newsflash: it’s never easy! As E has gotten older, the challenges have changed, but one thing has remained. Being a stay-at-home mom is slowly making me crazy.
I probably sound absolutely horrible and maybe you’re thinking, “why is she even complaining? I wish I could stay home with my babies.” Let me tell you, I am grateful. I am grateful I had the choice and I am grateful I was able to be the one with her everyday. I am grateful we got to spend so much time together and there are definitely things we got to do because I wasn’t working. I would never, ever, trade that time with her for anything and looking back, I would make the same decision to stay home with her if I had to do it all over again.
But to be completely transparent with you about this struggle, I realized something wasn’t right. I decided to talk to my doctor and began treatment for postpartum depression a while back. It has helped tremendously and here is my little PSA: if you are struggling, talk to someone. Even if it is months and months into your postpartum journey.
I realized, I really needed to think about what is best for me. Because as a mom, if you are doing what is best for you, you are doing what is best for your kids. And I don’t think staying home is what’s best for me, my relationship with my husband and in turn, Evie. Even though that breaks my heart.
So here is the good news: I’ve accepted a job as a Nutritionist and will be going back to work full-time!
It has taken me a while to come to terms with this but I truly think it will be for the best. Even though I will be sad to leave my baby. This decision has been a long time coming and I always knew if the right job came along, it would be time to go back.
I know I am going to have a whole new set of challenges now, but I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to feeling a little bit more like “me.” Ironically, having time away has made me more present. Even though this was a hard decision, I know it is what is best for our family.
As for the blog, I am going to try and keep up with it. I have been absent while I have been sorting out my priorities and enjoying my days at home with my girl. But this blog and the opportunities it’s created, along with all of the wonderful people I’ve met in the blogging community has literally been a life saver and I want to continue.
Thank you for reading and following along with our journey!
Jess totura says
Such an honest post! Thanks for sharing! While I desperately tried everything to be able to stay home, it just wouldn’t work out and now I am glad that I am a working mom. You will feel some freedom, and savor your time at homeboy even more! It is nice to build relationships with adults and other working moms. Good luck!
Thank you Jess! That is so good to hear all those positive things! Savor my time at home…those are the words I was looking for but couldn’t find them…spot on! Thanks mama!
Good for you for honouring you and your needs! As a SAHM mom for almost 10 years I can honestly say it took me a few yrs to admit it wasn’t all I had it cracked up or dreamt it to be! I too would choose it again and am still home but I have learned to add in activities and working from home that speak to my soul and give me something back that is mine! Good luck!
Kim S says
I get it, girl. Some days are like groundhogs day. It’s great that you are taking the job! I hope it all works out for you!
Coralie Hartsook says
This is so true. I live in Canada so we get a year of maternity leave. I had a baby in may 2015 and I returned to work part time in June 2016 only to leave again November 2016 with another baby. I’m on my second leave and I’m realizing that I cannot return to my previous job as a registered nurse doing 12 shifts day and night. My husband is a farmer and works 16 hr days from April until October and 8hr child care doesn’t work. I’m mourning the loss of my career, independence and my identity. I identified as a nurse. I also wonder if my husband appreciates me as much now that he had become accustomed to me being home and now expects a gourmet meal everyday. I am a good cook but sometimes I’m happy with eggs and toast. I understand your reasons for going back, even if the money isn’t that much better with child care and all, it’s the isolation and the mental aspect that is the most important. I wish you luck.