Disclaimer: While I often try to keep things positive around here, this post is an exception. I want you to really get to know me as a mother and that includes the good, the bad and the ugly.
Why does no one really tell you how hard it is to be a stay at home mom? Why does no one recognize that it is actually one of the hardest jobs you’ll ever do? Instead, I find myself feeling guilty when people say, “You’re so lucky you get to stay home with your baby all day!” or “You still aren’t working?”. Or jealous of people who get to focus on something other than their baby for some part of the day. Sometimes I feel lazy when I’m still in bed in the morning when my husband leaves for work or even lazier when he comes home and the house is more of a disaster than when he left. From day 1, I have been struggling with a lot of negative feelings about being home all day.
Being a mother changes your life in such a drastic way. You put the needs of this little life before yours in a heartbeat. Your body is no longer just yours. Your social life is no longer the same. The relationship with your significant other is tested and will probably experience some change. Say bye-bye to uninterrupted sleep and hello to sleep deprivation. Now throw in some isolation and a career loss by choosing to be a stay at home mom. Mix all of that with some crazy postpartum hormones and you’ve got yourself quite a show.
When I was pregnant, a large part of me knew I wanted to stay home with the baby. Another part of me was terrified of that idea. I went back and forth about quitting my job. I felt like I was giving up on everything that I just put so much sweat, tears, and quite frankly, money into, in the form of 2 college degrees. I liked teaching nutrition education, I loved teaching in schools, and I loved meeting new people all of the time.
I looked at different child care options before the baby was born and that was so overwhelming for me. We were looking at around $800 for quality child care a month and with my 45 minute commute to work, what I would be bringing home would not be worth it to me. I wasn’t ready to send my 3 month old baby to daycare and financially, it made the most sense for me to stay home with her. If I had a family member who could look after her, I would have went back to work. Occasionally, I start to apply for a job and half way through the application I chicken out. I think I am just going to have to start my own business. Stay tuned.
Not contributing financially was the first wave of major meltdowns. Going from two incomes to one, with a baby, was quite a change. And then three months in, my husband’s car crapped out and we were left with one car and have been since then. I am notorious for bottling everything up and then having a complete melt down about something stupid, like when I couldn’t find a nice shirt to wear out to dinner (that I could get my boobs out of – a whole other issue), and I didn’t have my own money to buy new clothes. My husband says over and over that it is “our” money, and I know that, but it is just not the same.
My second wave of major melt downs was about being trapped in the house all of the time with an infant that was not content except when she was attached to me. I was hungry a lot of the time because I was trapped on the couch nursing, I couldn’t get anything done around the house and I was exhausted by the end of the day but I hadn’t done “anything”. This has gotten a little better lately – but I am still clueless as to what people do with their infants all day! Besides constantly taking something away she’s not supposed to have, or moving her out from underneath the couch once shes rolled under there, or picking the same toy up off the floor 27 times after she’s dropped it. I’m sure this will get better once stupid winter is over and we can get outside! Plus as she gets older she will be able to do more things, so I am looking forward to that. When people ask what I do all day, I now say “I keep the baby alive.”
The most recent wave of meltdowns has been about never getting a break. I can’t even remember the last time I was away from Evelyn? I also can’t even remember the last time I talked to someone that wasn’t someone in my family. No wonder I’m going crazy. She has been waking up three or four times throughout the night lately and refuses to take a bottle, so I am the one that has to wake up and take care of her. She has also been extremely clingy as of late, so when I walk away, she cries. When Daddy tries to calm her down, she cries. I want to be there for her, but it’s getting to be quite tiring! It’s hard to leave her for an extended period of time because she is still getting most of her nutrition from breast milk and I don’t have much of an extra supply. I think this mommy needs a mommy’s day out and Daddy needs some daddy daughter time soon!
I never anticipated being a stay at home mom would make me such an emotional wreck. But it is hard. Mentally it is hard. But it is also rewarding. I get to spend all of that time with my little girl. I suppose, this is what people are referring to as “the lucky part”. I wouldn’t use the word lucky though, as there is a lot of sacrificing involved and my husband and I have both worked hard to get to where we are, but I am grateful. I’m grateful my husband has a great job that can support us and I’m grateful that he is supportive and understanding even when I’m being a total crazy or having a meltdown because he put the bowl away in the wrong cupboard again for the 5th time. I miss the pay check, but I love those smiles and those giggles and even her cries from the crib when she yells out over and over “Mama, Mama, Mama!” because I am there for it all and I am there for her, for better or for worse.
So if you think being a stay at home mom means cuddles and play dates, binge watching your favorite TV show, an infinite amount of time to get things done around the house, naps and sleeping in, you are surely mistaking. We have our good days and we have our bad. Some days we dance around the house and some days I lock myself in the bathroom with a bag of chocolate. Being a mother is no easy task whether you work full time or you are at home all day. We all just do what is best for our babies and that is really all we can do.
Maybe someday when we reach the other side – I will be able to write one of those blog posts I’ve been reading by other bloggers about how to stay sane as a stay at home mom. Sorry, but unfortunately that won’t be anytime soon!
This is maybe my favorite post you’ve put on your blog so far. Not because it’s well-written (which it is!) and not because I love you (which I do!) but because it’s just SO HONEST. I have NO IDEA what it’s like to be a stay-at-home mama, so I can’t offer advice but I can tell you that I think being honest about how difficult it is, and taking on the comments people make (“you’re so lucky” vs. “why aren’t you back at work”!) will probably help a lot of other SAHMs!! I think it’s totally normal to want some alone time and to feel guilty and crazy sometimes. Doing what’s right for you and for Evelyn and your family is one of the bravest decisions you can make, regardless of what that decision is, and I’m so happy that my favorite niece has such a great mama!! And don’t forget, when we get back this summer, you can call on Aunt Tiffany anytime if you need some time “off”!!!!!
Thank you Tiffany! I’m glad you liked the post and it’s quite a compliment to hear that I’ve written something well, especially from you! Evie will get lots of Auntie time when you are back home! Can’t wait ?
Oh man, I can relate to this so much!! For Ryan’s first year I was a stay at home working mom. I am beyond grateful that I was able to keep my career and still take care of my baby.. But I couldn’t tell you how many times someone would say, “..but you work at home, right?” My immediate reaction was to punch them and even though I would try to explain to them, yes, I work from home.. And nurse and pump and care for an infant ALL day. So essentially I work 24 hours a day with almost no sleep.. It would have been so much easier to have someone else watch him but I didn’t want that for him at such a young age. I seriously think most of my friends and family thought I just sat home all day. Anyways, just wanted you to know that you are not alone! You are doing a great job!
Thank you Gina! It is so helpful to hear that someone can relate to this and that I’m not alone. Why do people think it’s easier to work at home than actually go to work!? Sure, maybe you get to wear yoga pants most days but I can’t even seem to do anything for 5 minutes without being interrupted! It is so much harder to get anything done. Never mind being actually accountable for completing a job at the same time! So way to go for being a work at home mom who nursed and pumped and looked after an infant! You are one great mama!
I didn’t work before I had my twins, but I can relate to the stay at home part. There were many days I wondered how I would get through the day, and think I wouldn’t make it to the next.
Just like you Kristie, there were times I wanted to “give them back”, or wished someone would come rescue me for even an hour!
I didn’t breastfeed, but I can only imagine how much more tied down that can make you feel.
One thing I did (at the time it made me feel like a bad mother), after knowing my children were safe and sound was to go to a close by room and chill for a few minutes, alone. If they cried because I was out of site, I at least knew it wasn’t anything bad. It doesn’t make you a bad mother to walk away for a minute or two to regain your sanity. I know you are an excellent mother and that you would never let any harm come to Evie, and if Daddy comes home and baby bear is feed (that you don’t need to breastfeed), and you are at your wits end, it’s ok to walk away and let Daddy handle things, even a crying baby. She will get use to daddy being able to sooth her too.
There was A LOT of days I would call Stan at work and tell him through massive tears to come home because I couldn’t handle it anymore!
You are entitled to feel the way you feel, good and bad. It is a blessing and curse to be a stay at home mom, so I say walk away sometimes, plan a “me” date once in a while where daddy can watch Evie and you can go hide in the bathroom and eat chocolate AND, TAKE A BATH! Even if this means that daddy has to pack up Evie and take her for a car ride.
As far as working, you will know when the time is right to get back into it, even if for now you do something from home. As far as not getting anything done around the house some days, I felt the same way, “I am home all day, why didn’t anything get done”? You know what? It doesn’t matter. As long as you do what you feel needs to be done, that’s all that matters. So clean or straighten things out when YOU have the chance, again, let daddy take baby duty if need be and do what you feel needs to be done. You are not required to do things according to what you think others would say, you just need to do what’s best for your family.
And yes, things will get better as she gets older. I’m sure it’s hard to not have family and friends nearby, but you know we are just a phone call away, and sometime in the near future, baby bear might be ready to do some overnight trips to the grandparent’s houses!
I know it is easier said than done, but hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, though dim right now I’m sure, it’s there.
I love you with all my heart and couldn’t have asked for a better mommy for my grandbaby(ies).
Thank you Donna. I often would leave her safe in her room and walk away…and this is how we started a good afternoon nap schedule haha! She got used to Mommy’s quiet time and now doesn’t fight me as much. We just can’t wait for spring and to get outside. Not being trapped in the house all of the time will probably help so much. I would never ever want to give her back!! We have our fun too and it is certainly not all bad ? I love being a mommy and I love her so much! She is such a trooper on all of our adventures, has such a big personality and is not stingy with her smiles at all! It is just a big life adjustment for all of us and I can’t expect to be perfectly adapted over night. We love you too!
Oh Kristie – motherhood really is a joyous struggle. You are doing great – just keep muddling through because it’s all you can do. Maybe you need a Grammy nanny some weekend soon! Haha! ??
Thanks Mom! A Grammy nanny sounds wonderful! ?
Oh, momma, I feel you here!!! I ended up becoming a SAHM because daycare would have cost MORE than what my entry level non-profit job would have brought in. It’s definitely hard balancing the money thing. I feel guilty buying things I need or even want because my husband has to work all day while I stay home iwth our son – but then I remember that we both agreed to this, that my husband LOVES to work, and that I do any/all night feedngs/wakings, wake up with him, do all house work – so it balances. My son never took a bottle and didn;t start sleeping through the night untl 2 months ago – and he’s 21 months now. I completely understand all of this.
Being a SAHM is amazing- you get to watch your little one grow and be there every day, but you someitmes feel like you can’t complain or you’re being selfish and ungrateful, which is just so silly. My biggest suggestion is just take it day by day. If it gets to a point where you thing you and your family would benefit from your going back to work, regardless of the money, then do it. But never feel guilty for feeling human – while kids are a blessing and wonderful things, being with them all day long can be draining.
Thanks Morgan for your kind words of wisdom! I have to remind myself that my husband WANTS to go to work so that I can stay home with our baby. It helps to know I’m not the only one who feels this way! You sure are right – I absolutely love being home with my daughter all day but it sure can be draining when the job never ends!
These are the EXACT things I know I would struggle with if I were to become a SAHM. I’ve gone back and forth a thousand times, and I know I would share the exact same sentiments as you. Keep up the good work though!!! It all goes by way too quickly!
Thank you for the encouragement! It is amazing how fast they grow!
I came across this post from your link on the living for naptime linkup and as a new SAHM, I identify with so many things you wrote about. I wasn’t originally planning to stay home but while I was out on maternity leave, my husband and I decided that’s where God was leading us. It’s been a rollercoaster. I truly feel so blessed that I get to be with my little all day long and make all the decisions for her life and well-being. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t challenges. It’s such an adjustment because I’m literally talking to myself all day long {and singing along with Pandora!}. Suddenly, a trip to the grocery store not only feels like a major feat that I’ve accomplished but it also was an excuse to get out of the house. Here’s to the lonely days that will leave such an impact on the next generation!
I sure know what you mean about talking to yourself all day! Sometimes, I find myself talking to the cat! It really is a blessing to be able to be home with them all day and I really wouldn’t want it any other way. It certainly doesn’t mean things are easy. Often times, the grocery store is the only pace I go all week! Thank you for your comment and stopping by!
This.
As a new SAHM I really relate to everything you say in this post. I’ve found that most of my struggles come from the mental side- me having doubts or feeling slightly regretful about quitting my job. I didn’t even really like my job, but it’s such a big change (not to mention hard) that I can help but be conflicted. Throw in the side-eyes I get from family still wondering what I am doing all day at home, and it’s enough to go crazy. My best advice I give to myself is to take it one day at a time and remind myself that I did what’s best for my family. I heard someone say once that ” You may wish you spent less time working but you will never wish you spent less time with your child” . So let’s enjoy these moments with our babies before they grow up and won’t cuddle with us anymore! 🙂
Hi Kristie,
Thanks for this. I thought I was just impatient and selfish. I will have been a SAHM for 6 years next week. I will then have a 6 year old in Kindy, a 4 year old in pre-school two days a week and a 6 month old. I don’t even know who I am any more. I’ve lost the ability to dream, for me. To plan, for me. “Go do something you enjoy” says DH. Um – I’d need a few days alone to figure out what that is!
When littlest is one, the plan is to somehow carve out a me day once a week, even if means I get to sit at a computer for half of that day and do admin without having to get up and wipe a bum, or fix a fight or have someone type on the keyboards.
I miss me. And yet the me I was 6 years ago isn’t there anymore. I need to find the one on the otherside of being a mom.
And turning 40 in May, may have a lot to do with my identity crisis too.
Keep at it. As you said, we do the best we can with what we have 🙂
Jacqui